Super-Sized McFleet Flagship Returns To Port
UMM QASR, IRAQ– As some stability returns to war-torn Iraq, McDonald’s has decided to recall the USS O’Grimacey from the Persian Gulf. The restaurant warship, the pride of the fast-food fleet, has been “serving” in the Middle East for the past 16 months (breakfast from 6:00am to 11:00am).
The flagship of the Atlantic McFleet was scheduled to return to its base in the United States, but instead will be heading to the Mediterranean to assist with the Liberian conflict. During its time in the Gulf, the Mcfrigate provided over 5,500,000 Big Macs, 3,850,000 Egg McMuffins, and 460,000 McHappy Meals to hungry troops.
The ship, and its 3,500 McDonald’s recruits, most of them making minimum wage, risked their lives to support the coalition, and bring value at reasonable prices to the fighting men and women, as well as secure franchise rights for further expansion.
The O’Grimacey, basically a super-sized floating restaurant, is capable of feeding 50,000 people per day.
Overall, the McForces have been lucky during the war in Iraq, with no casualties to date. Only minor injuries, such as grease burns and heightened cases of acne have been reported. However, early in the conflict, two assistant managers were captured by hostile forces and subsequently “grilled.”
The removal of the USS O’Grimacey will leave a gap in entry-level support, but Admiral McCheese stated that 2,000 McDonald’s troops will continue to occupy Iraq to maintain a fresh presence until Iraqi-run restaurants can be established by the new Iraqi government.
“I’m confident that these fast-food men and women in uniform will continue to serve with a smile,” said the admiral. “After all, they’re used to taking orders.”
As part of the plan to rebuild Iraq, roadblocks will also double as drive-thrus, where citizens can order burgers, fries, and soft drinks to go, as long as no sudden movements are made. McDonald’s troops have been trained in combat, and know at least three ways to kill a man with a spatula.
“McFlurries are big, real big right now,” said Sgt. Fry, the Quarter-Poundermaster of the 101st McSquadron stationed just south of Basra. “When you’re hunkered down trying to figure out who might be driving a truck full of explosives there’s nothing like a frozen non-dairy treat to keep you cool. If we’re still here on St. Patrick’s day I have no doubt the Shamrock Shakes will be a blast.”
“The locals love our menu items too,” continued Sgt. Fry, “and we’re sensitive to cultural differences: we offer low-fat alternatives for the Ramadan holidays, a multilingual menu for easy ordering, and I’m proud to say that our hamburgers contain very few pork by-products.”
“The McFleet is all about delivering a quality product at a reasonable price,” said Admiral McCheese, a graduate of the Hamburger Naval Academy. “Today’s forces are always on the go–nobody has the time to lounge around in a canteen munching on chipped beef and corned hash. I’m proud of the young men and women working the counters of our front lines, always ready to push in with special sauces and other fresh toppings wherever they may be needed.”
The McFleet has left behind one amphibious “Limited Edition” ship in the Persian Gulf that will be able to supply all menu items except McNuggets, fresh salads, or triple-thick milkshakes.